We recently took an impromptu week off from TBM as we both ended up with buried in freelance work! But luckily we were finally able to revisit some of the topics we’ve been meaning to post—including handling disagreements online.
Theoretically, there’s definitely a friendly, warm, and civil way to disagree with someone in real life, so it shouldn’t be any different online. Further, amazing things come from the internet everyday—engaged communities, countless inspiration, good advice—people to talk to about anything and everything, really. Blogging gives a voice to so many people; it helps writers find their voice, even. Yet, and this could be the tense social climate we’re all in IRL right now, it feels that no one can really pull off disagreeing with grace online!
There’s a difference between furthering a discussion and being malicious, but it feels like this line is getting finer and finer. And I’m not just talking about blogs, but social media and any online community too. When it comes to handling disagreements, I feel it’s important to note a few things that are different online from disagreeing face-to-face:
We’re all just a bit (or a lot) more confident behind a screen. This is important to recognize whether or not you truly FEEL it. The fact is when you’re posting on Facebook, you’re broadcasting some statement to X number of people, and unless you’d be comfortable saying that in person to all of those people, you are obviously at least slightly more confident in saying it virtually! So, even if you don’t personally overshare or anything like that, keep in mind that you + everyone else are all a littttle more open when it comes to sharing online.
Posting online tends to be impulsive. You’d think that since you have to type up a response to something online, it would be more thoughtful than in-person conversation, but it seems to be the opposite, doesn’t it? Perhaps people can type much faster than they can speak these days! It just seems like so much negativity online comes from impulsivity.
People are less aware of repercussions. Considering you can just delete a comment if you make a mistake, or block someone if they annoy you, nothing we do online seems like it will get us into too much trouble. I mean, if you say something insulting to a stranger in line at the store, they might haul off and punch you (let’s hope not) or at least confront you, whereas online many people feel that they can do whatever they want with no immediate consequence. Those of us who blog + post on social know all too well, though, that the virtual world can be just as permanent.
Tone is conveyed in different ways. While you may think you have your tone down when it comes to conversing online, you can’t control how the person on the receiving end interprets it. It’s tricky enough in person, but we have body language and sound to help us out, and a lot of that is stripped away online, whether or not we’ve got the writing down.
I’ve noticed that for me, even when the person voicing disagreement or criticism exercises tact with their comment, I tend to still find it a little alarming. I don’t think you should have to shy away from stating your opinion if it’s unpopular, but I do wonder how one can share a disagreement in a respectful way that furthers the conversation instead of trying to simply shut someone down for theirs. I know that part of that is my fear of confrontation and sensitive personality, but part of it comes back to that interpretation. I guess when commenting myself, I tend to take the kindness route. I have to feel really compelled to share a criticizing opinion in order to even post. I have to have intent, rather than just an opinion. Like the intent to give advice, or a fresh perspective on something.
What do you think? Do you ever post disagreements or criticism to other people or blogger’s sites or social? How do you make sure you’re coming off the way you want to sound?
Diane says
Hi, you’ve brought up a bunch of great points. Unless a blogger has said something really egregious or something that hits a nerve with me personally, I tend not to leave a negative comment or stir up drama online. I’ll just x out of a window. But there’s no shortage of people being trolls all the time on the internet and it seems to be getting worse! Would people speak to others like that in person? No way!
When I do comment on blogs, I try to be friendly and clear even if I am saying something critical so there’s no way to misinterpret my tone. On my own blog, sometimes I’ll take comments personally that maybe weren’t intended to be.
Take these 2 comments I just made up, for example:
1. I didn’t like this post. It felt rushed and you can do better.
2. I love your blog but I didn’t care for this post as much as some of the others. Your explanation in the 2nd paragraph seemed a little rushed to me and I feel like if you explored the idea more, you’d have a stronger case. As I said, I really enjoy your posts overall but this wasn’t my favorite. Looking forward to seeing more from you — keep up the good work!
As a blogger, I’d much rather get comment #2!
Halee says
I think it is possible to respectfully disagree online. Whenever I’ve done this, I make sure to read and re-read my comment before posting. Usually I’ll edit my comment or add a bit more explanation that in my rush to respond had been left unsaid.
Jo says
I definitely think you can respectfully disagree. Having tact and being thoughtful in your word choice are in important. I also think you have to focus on the facts. I think on the receiving end, we also can’t take things personally.